I made this

Hold my face and cuddle with me in bed.

I just really don't want to have fucked this up. My fear is that I strangled it. I feared the fun out of it.
I don't want this anxiety to sit on top of me forever.
I was walking home last night and thinking to myself, "will it feel like this forever?" A common thought that has often come into my twenty one year old brain. Pain is so scary when you are young, because it is all so new. There are so many different types and levels of heartbreak, that you encounter in life. With each discovery of a new kind of pain, we think "will this be the end of me?" I haven't lived long enough to be completely assured, that with enough time, wounds heals. When I am hurt, it feels as is it will strick around forever. "I will not grow past this, I will be trapped in my own stupidity," I think to myself.

The  thing that struck me so hard was that he fit into this little place in my heart. It was a little pocket I had kept so tightly shut for so long. There I stood as he held my weeping, snot covered face, and I for some reason let him. I didn't squirm or lie, or tell a joke.
I'm not usually good at going to those places. They are not places I like to visit, but for those few moments those dark spots didn't feel so heavy. They were for the first time a feeling I could sit in.
and maybe a few moments was all I could really handle. At this point in my life that is. I'll probably look back at this journal entry years from now and think, "god, that was only the tip of the iceberg." For now I am content with the fact that I made a big step forward in the way that was best for me.

I just hope that the boy who cut open that tiny hole inside me doesn't go away. I know the bravery that came from opening up, is mine and mine alone. But there are few people in life that truly effect us, and it breaks my heart when you have to shut those people out. He now has a small part of me. I hold a fondess and gratitude for him he might never fully understand.

I will try

Very good and very big

Sometimes we sit and wait for moments like this to come for what feels like eternity. We search for stimulation and meaning, and fear it could be lost forever. Other times these magic seconds stand right in front of us, waiting for us patiently like an old friend. Tomorrow will be a big day for me. I am living in the fullness I had once believed couldn't be possible. Everything is enormous, both the pain and the magic discovery.

and e

and above all you are someone that I love. I am sorry and I am scared. You have filled me with so much and for that I am thankful. This next moment we must go apart. For so long I had wanted someone to stand next to me. There you were. Now I have to trust that somehow you are still there, even though I can't quite see you. I promise to be as brave as I can, and do my best to see all the truths, even the ones that are the most difficult to swallow. The leaves are brown in the trees and we begin to enter a new season. We are sending ourselves down new paths, never to return to where we were. I think that is one of the most  beautiful and tragic parts of growing up. We are never the same and we can never go back. We can never be what was before, but we can evolve and find the next stage. For better or for worse. The worst part of of it all was the goodbye I had to tell myself. Goodbye to those magic moments. New ones will take their I know, but not quite like those. those simple seconds have changed me. Thank you.

Wednesday

dear Bug, I am so proud of you and so impressed by your depth and wisdom and bravery. Thank you for the photos . Tami just left. We had the whole house to ourselves,since your dad and Kevin and Pat are in Yosemite.She brought me a birthday dinner and we sat in front of the fire and ate and talked.Leo is now cleaning himself while laying across my lap and I have the TV on watching repeats of the debate. I know,I know my life is pretty thrilling. I love you bug very very much.