and e

and above all you are someone that I love. I am sorry and I am scared. You have filled me with so much and for that I am thankful. This next moment we must go apart. For so long I had wanted someone to stand next to me. There you were. Now I have to trust that somehow you are still there, even though I can't quite see you. I promise to be as brave as I can, and do my best to see all the truths, even the ones that are the most difficult to swallow. The leaves are brown in the trees and we begin to enter a new season. We are sending ourselves down new paths, never to return to where we were. I think that is one of the most  beautiful and tragic parts of growing up. We are never the same and we can never go back. We can never be what was before, but we can evolve and find the next stage. For better or for worse. The worst part of of it all was the goodbye I had to tell myself. Goodbye to those magic moments. New ones will take their I know, but not quite like those. those simple seconds have changed me. Thank you.

Wednesday

dear Bug, I am so proud of you and so impressed by your depth and wisdom and bravery. Thank you for the photos . Tami just left. We had the whole house to ourselves,since your dad and Kevin and Pat are in Yosemite.She brought me a birthday dinner and we sat in front of the fire and ate and talked.Leo is now cleaning himself while laying across my lap and I have the TV on watching repeats of the debate. I know,I know my life is pretty thrilling. I love you bug very very much.

These days

My recent life as seen through my iPhone

A float

and suddenly there he was, sitting there next to me. He was so perfectly imperfect, and like all of the love songs and stories; everything else was hazy. I was frozen for a little moment, and some familiar words came into my mind. "what could be better?". He was all I could see. Feelings came in that I am both ecstatic and terrified to sit in. To love is to loose. We loose part of the control we as humans fight so hard to protect. I had been searching for a friend for so long. A kindred spirit to stand next to. I had found something like that once before. A person who could see my broken parts, and still tolerate me enough to hold my hand. I feel so perfect with him. My flaws are enjoyed. I am effortless with him, and he with me.
I have gone one step too far. Ventured into the rabbit hole. I am indeed stupid because I'm allowing a new pain in. A storm is waiting for me and i go willingly. I guess this what it means to love and to risk. I firmly believe that in life the only way out is through. What lies on the other side of pain is strength. What lies on the other side of risk is new bravery. My early twenties so far has felt like standing on a diving board. If you look down it all looks so overwhelming and dangerous. You stand over the edge thinking, "there is no way in hell, it is too far to fall." In that moment you have two choices. You can choose to slowly creep away and climb off the diving board, You will reach the safety of the ground, and secretly wonder what you missed. Or you could jump and trust that you will know how to keep yourself a float. To jump is to fall, and all of my falls have been the most remarkable parts of my life.

the right image

this was the image I had wanted to post with the last entry. Oh well.I am learning... love you BUG

perfect day in san francisco

Will you see the image I tried to download? Right now it`s all code lingo on my screen.How do I make a living with computers but find this a high hurdle? I wanted to write about when it`s very warm in San Francisco in the morning and all the inhabitants go around in their short sleeves and dresses, their light cotton pants and sandals and act like this is a normal thing. They slide right into a life that isn`t usually theirs.The east coast immigrants don`t regret their decision to move here,the young mothers find their patience untested as they happily follow a wondering toddler,the old man on his bicycle feels brave. More people are out, walking,chatting, having muffins at small table on sidewalks.I pretend we always live like this, how could it be any other way? The memory of a arctic sledge hammer wind and fog is an image from an old movie. Leaving work soon to walk home and lap up the last of this amazing day...