Very good and very big

Sometimes we sit and wait for moments like this to come for what feels like eternity. We search for stimulation and meaning, and fear it could be lost forever. Other times these magic seconds stand right in front of us, waiting for us patiently like an old friend. Tomorrow will be a big day for me. I am living in the fullness I had once believed couldn't be possible. Everything is enormous, both the pain and the magic discovery.

and e

and above all you are someone that I love. I am sorry and I am scared. You have filled me with so much and for that I am thankful. This next moment we must go apart. For so long I had wanted someone to stand next to me. There you were. Now I have to trust that somehow you are still there, even though I can't quite see you. I promise to be as brave as I can, and do my best to see all the truths, even the ones that are the most difficult to swallow. The leaves are brown in the trees and we begin to enter a new season. We are sending ourselves down new paths, never to return to where we were. I think that is one of the most  beautiful and tragic parts of growing up. We are never the same and we can never go back. We can never be what was before, but we can evolve and find the next stage. For better or for worse. The worst part of of it all was the goodbye I had to tell myself. Goodbye to those magic moments. New ones will take their I know, but not quite like those. those simple seconds have changed me. Thank you.

Wednesday

dear Bug, I am so proud of you and so impressed by your depth and wisdom and bravery. Thank you for the photos . Tami just left. We had the whole house to ourselves,since your dad and Kevin and Pat are in Yosemite.She brought me a birthday dinner and we sat in front of the fire and ate and talked.Leo is now cleaning himself while laying across my lap and I have the TV on watching repeats of the debate. I know,I know my life is pretty thrilling. I love you bug very very much.

These days

My recent life as seen through my iPhone

A float

and suddenly there he was, sitting there next to me. He was so perfectly imperfect, and like all of the love songs and stories; everything else was hazy. I was frozen for a little moment, and some familiar words came into my mind. "what could be better?". He was all I could see. Feelings came in that I am both ecstatic and terrified to sit in. To love is to loose. We loose part of the control we as humans fight so hard to protect. I had been searching for a friend for so long. A kindred spirit to stand next to. I had found something like that once before. A person who could see my broken parts, and still tolerate me enough to hold my hand. I feel so perfect with him. My flaws are enjoyed. I am effortless with him, and he with me.
I have gone one step too far. Ventured into the rabbit hole. I am indeed stupid because I'm allowing a new pain in. A storm is waiting for me and i go willingly. I guess this what it means to love and to risk. I firmly believe that in life the only way out is through. What lies on the other side of pain is strength. What lies on the other side of risk is new bravery. My early twenties so far has felt like standing on a diving board. If you look down it all looks so overwhelming and dangerous. You stand over the edge thinking, "there is no way in hell, it is too far to fall." In that moment you have two choices. You can choose to slowly creep away and climb off the diving board, You will reach the safety of the ground, and secretly wonder what you missed. Or you could jump and trust that you will know how to keep yourself a float. To jump is to fall, and all of my falls have been the most remarkable parts of my life.

the right image

this was the image I had wanted to post with the last entry. Oh well.I am learning... love you BUG

perfect day in san francisco

Will you see the image I tried to download? Right now it`s all code lingo on my screen.How do I make a living with computers but find this a high hurdle? I wanted to write about when it`s very warm in San Francisco in the morning and all the inhabitants go around in their short sleeves and dresses, their light cotton pants and sandals and act like this is a normal thing. They slide right into a life that isn`t usually theirs.The east coast immigrants don`t regret their decision to move here,the young mothers find their patience untested as they happily follow a wondering toddler,the old man on his bicycle feels brave. More people are out, walking,chatting, having muffins at small table on sidewalks.I pretend we always live like this, how could it be any other way? The memory of a arctic sledge hammer wind and fog is an image from an old movie. Leaving work soon to walk home and lap up the last of this amazing day...

Oh boy

And as he sat there next to me, all I could think was, "this will end up costing me a lot." Love is a funny thing because in some moments it is light enough to carry you up into the clouds. In this moment it just felt heavy.  The fear  can weigh you down like stones in your pocket. My heart broke a tiny bit when I realized I couldn't just give him a kiss. I wanted so badly to reach out to him, but every logical bit of me screeched, "No! you idiot." 

White sweater

Wore your white sweater to a party tonight at Joe and Carol's . I really like it. I wonder how your night at work went for you...I bet you were pretty beat after and ready for a good night's sleep. I am so looking forward to laying my head on my pillow. Ah tomorrow, monday, beginning of a new week.... I am very proud of you . I hope your Monday is wonderful, the mom

Frozen grapes

Dearest Iz-bug, I took the bus to north beach afterwork and met Soosee and Bernadette for a walk and birthday dinner. I am really stretching this birthday out.It was fun evening. your dad is out in Berkeley somewhere watching a singer sing some of Joshua's songs. Leo is cleaning is left paw butterball is hunched like a bunny on the rug beside the bed. Life is exciting around here so I thought you need to be kept abreast of the flurry of action.I still love you. have a wonderful Thursday.the mom

Myself myself

Today was long but.....

Happy mother

Dear Isabelle ,I love the images you create with your words. And it makes me happy to hear my love and your dad's love is a guiding light in the big sea. it was a good day at work.Mark took me out for a birthday lunch and when I was walking back across the presidio I just felt really lucky to be working in such a beautiful place with good friends amd meaningful work. now I feel very sleepy and would like to go straight to bed...maybe a nap first before dinner. the kitties are laying across me. that's all the exciting news for now....I love you

Out to sea

My youth, I'm discovering, is a strange and miraculous moment. I feel like a little sail boat in the middle of an overwhelming sea. Although the ever expanding ocean is breathtaking, it also feels all too consuming and scary. I am wondering through something that appears endless.
Mother you are like my light house. I guess just love is in general. It is magical guiding force that can been seen and felt from miles and miles away. If I know anything about kindness, gratitude, and love it is because of you. I carry a bit and you and dad everywhere I go. It is the unbelievable amount of love I've been given that keeps me a float everyday. I think that our experiences directly effect how we perceive the world. It is because of you that I am able to see so much beauty. I miss you everyday. You are my most trusted companion, and my kindred spirit. Can't wait to see you again.

love,

your little boat

4th of July

I knew you would want to know, the picnic with your father's rice salad was very nice.We had some sun and sat in GG park near the academy . There was a big band playing patriotic tunes. it all felt very festive and perfect for the day. Magic Mike is very entertaining and well produced. the story is pretty tame. I really liked the lead female actor,whoever she was. home , kitties on bed,your dad talking to your grama...maybe we will go for a walk later. Hope you had a really fun day.I love you, the mom

Sunday morning in the misty fog

I think finally our summer has begun. It had some false starts and then sun would return. Bu the mornings and evenings now are wet with mist and swirling winds and scattering leaves. When I open the front door to get the NY times I think to myself what season are we in. Summer in SF always confuses me. Leo is stretched out asleep on top of the our bed surrounded by newspaper. I have nothing more to report except to say I love you.

This is true

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments."

Thinking of the mother

Tonight we had dinner at Gwen's house on the lower east side. It was a perfect warm night, and we ate watermelon, and it brought me to you. You were dearly missed.

Butterscotch

She sits by the fire ,her little front paws turned out like a ballerina.

Sunny Sunday

Hi bug, it makes me so happy to see the sun outside our windows. Promestheous is a dumb story with beautiful production values and mediocre acting except Micheal Shane who plays the best android ever except Hal from 2001, Space Odessy. I wish you were here. Or I was there going to the flea market with you. I love you,the mom

Film

Gray Thursday

Have you ever seen the Last Picture Show? It's such a great movie. watched it last night. my computer at work is dead.trying to fix it now.All gray cold and window out there.....will not venture out today at lunch. I could use some Brooklyn heat right now. I talked to gma Jo this morning and she told me about a dream she had last night where Gpa Larry came into her bedroom and said he had just been to the beach without he kids and that he found an old Santa Clause toy that he and his sister Mardy had been looking for a long time. She said she dreams about him a lot. I look forward to your visit in August.Love you ,very very much.

An ordinary day

Sometimes I am grateful for an ordinary day of a morning with coffee and a jog through the park. A drive to work without traffic, a walk with my friend Kim into the cemetary of old soldiers and their wives. I love the hills and valleys of San Francisco .You go up and see the water and more land across the water or you are walking in a neighborhood looking up into the hills with little lights coming on in the evening. I love coming home to clean house on the day Catia comes and I say bless you Catia out loud and talk to the kitties. Nothing is so relaxing as a clean house you didn't have to clean. kitties on bed, all is very quiet ,hear the N Judah rumbleing and squeaking. I love the bug !

My friend Johnny

I think it's good to admit to our secret fantasies. As dorky as they seem when we say them out loud, they also help us to be humble. We all are humans with wishes and desires. It's good to own up to that.

This song is my new obsession. Finding a song you love and relate to is like a friend being with you all the time to tell you a great story. In my mind Johnny flynn is my friend I take everywhere with me. He helps me through my bad days, and makes the good ones brighter. I picture someday him singing at my wedding. (weddings have been on my mind lately since watching say yes to the dress. )

I walk down streets of the east village listening to this song, and new york is like disneyland. My eyes open up a little bit each day. So much to take in.

In my dreams

In my dreams I am a hip New York artist mom,hilariously funny,fashionable...and I am being interviewed about how can I possibly do it ALL and look so young and glamourous while I am doing it all. I love your hair like that.It looks very fairy ballerina. I went into my studio here at home and started working with clay again. that was so much fun.Your dad fixed a delicious Thai noodle dish...yum,I cleaned up, took a nice bath and ate frozen grapes for dessert. I am very very sleepy.I love you Bug SO much and am so proud of you.Have a great day today.the mom

Braids

I have to wear my hair up or wear a hat when I work behind the counter at urban rustic. I hate doing both. This has caused me to get a bit creative with my styling. I Thought I would try out an up braid do. I work from eight to four tomorrow. From there I will try to go to a yoga class. One of my favorite feelings is walking back from yoga. I get off at bedford and then go through the park. The light and the air it perfect. Everyone is out. The world breathes around me.
There is so much I wish you were here to witness in New york. I could totally see you as one of those hip new york ladies.
Not sure what else to write. It's stuffy and hot in my room. It's supposed to be 90 by Wednesday. Yuck.

I love you with all my guts. Write me soon.

The mother did not hear back from the daughter

Sunny Saturday

Just wanted to say I love you

Friday! Last day of the work week

I like Friday mornings.You know you can always make it through a day and then when you leave it's two glorious free days of your own.My favorite NY times day of the week is Friday ,except Sundays but that is it's own kind of bird.Friday's paper has movies and art show reviews. I can plan my imaginary NY gallery hopping and read reviews for movies that might ride into town here in about a week.I can enjoy the buzz of a 24/7 ambitious culture from my chair by the fire in a best most beautiful miniature city. Fridays are good too at work on this production because we have dailies at two where we screen our work for review in one of many ILM's screening rooms.It's a nice way to wind down the work week and feel somehow the structure and meaning of what We do. Fridays is usually my jog through the park days but wanted to relax and walk to work instead. Tami seems very happy. She is working 4 days so she is as busy as possible.I know she gets tired but she is a deeply happy and fulfilled mother. Carrie was in NY for a couple of days this week having a 45 minute meeting with cosco. She's the same but on the upside of the Carrie.2.0 version. Joe seemed good when I talked to him a week ago. He is not super busy this summer with his classes but busy enough to meet his expenses. he and I need to have lunch soon. please go see the Francesca Woodman show at the Met, maybe today? It's not there for long.It's great and you will relate.I love you very much,the mom

wet hot american summer

to be honest all that sf summer stuff sounds perfect right about now. Tobi texted me saying he's on his way home, and it pinches a little part of my heart to know I won't be there. There is truly no place like home, especially if home is San Franisco. To me there is no better feeling than lying in bed and watching tv with you and the kitties. Unfortunately this is all a part of growing up, and although it causes me pain, I am beyond thankful for the certainty I feel about New York. I must chase the love I feel for this place. I am a bit scared. It will be even harder to have those lonely friday nights knowing my friends are all reunited at home. It's okay though. I fall more and more in love with new york every day. I passed the deli you and I stopped at last august. We bought sandwiches there before my first ucb class. I remember perfectly the overwhelming anxiety I felt awaiting my new life in a scary city. We sat in a park and I tried to force feed myself a tuna sandwhich. I wouldn't recognize that girl any more. I feel so very much alive and confident.
I hope someday I write a short memoir or something about this past month. Now having had a few days to process it, I feel it's weight. This might sound over dramatic but I think this has been one of the biggest moments of my life so far. The world revealed it's true expansiveness to me, and for once I took it. I gobbled iup it's richness, and was left full in a way I way had longed for for so long.

Enough about me. I'm glad you've found a tribe within your work place. I think that's very important. I think you and I are similar in that way that when we work we like to talk and be social. I don't know how dad sits in his office all day by himself. He likes it that way I guess.
How's carrie? Joe? Tami?

Summer

It's weird not to have you home this summer. Its the next phase and I do miss that you are not here,working at Cow Hollow, being in the cold foggy presidio with me,but this year it's not foggy but oddly sunny and warmish.I am sure we will pay later this summer for this goodness we are enjoying now.I really miss not going to movies with you and having dinner at Liver Pool Lil's. And sitting side by side on the bed watching sex in the city or Chelsea Lately. My tummy is round and full from eating a big bowl of the most delicious cherries your dad got at his first of the season day at faremer's market. It's pretty exciting around here,let me tell you.....tomatoes, peaches, Leo lying on his side ,the recycling out on the sidewalk. It's best you are in Beooklyn where life is calm and predictable and not so crazy as 833 Clayton street. I am having a real good time at work painting monsters and working with my fellow painter friend Brad. We have a kind of sister brother relationship. And at my studio I am painting away, not pressuring myself at all. I guess I will go take a bath now.....I love you very very much. Thanks again for posting the great photos. The mom

the big blue

Butt on chair, face behind a computer

Loved your description of the your decnt adventure. it sounds like a powerful experience and magical memory now to carry with you going forward. It feels so good to be in your body and present. I am in my body wih it's pathetic runny nose and general feeling of wanting to scratch my face off...well I am exaggerating. Think maybe it is allergies or just a stupid cold. Not really slowing me down but gives me something to whine about.I am seeing Tami after work and happy about that.I best be getting back to work. I will write more later today....I love you too.I feel like you have grown by leaps and bounds this whole year but maybe especially this last month.It was an excellent way to begin your 21st year .

oh wow

And suddenly the whole world cracked wide open, and there I was sitting right in the middle of it. I was surrounded and filled with a life I had not been able to see before. It is such a very big place out there, and I forget how little of it I have witnessed. It felt like I had lived on another planet for a few days. One that was purely for me. The magic part about it was being given the opportunity to have days filled with anything at all. No rules. You want to dance in a crowd of people? do it. lie down in the middle of a concert. go for it. Run around naked in a fountain? Why not? I was not held back by any concept of who I should or shouldn't be, and there is a magic in that. I didn't take a shower for four days and I had never felt so beautiful in my whole life. I freed myself all the little things I'd convinced myself I needed.
I'm rambling. sorry. Well it was really great, that's all I can really say.

I love you, write to me soon

Life at 833 Clayton street

I just had some frozen red grapes. Since you have introduced me to this snack I have craved it many times. Leo is belly up beside me,cinder scotch nearby....walked home this evening.Tomorrow night your dad and I are going to see the new Woody Allen movie at work. Saturday we are going to Oakland to see a show of Sheila's and the Oakland museum and then Gwen is having a closing party at the gallery. I had a really good time with Vicki while she was here.I think she is doing well. Hope the festival is really fun.I love you .the mom

Foggy,windy,summer,sf

Bug, 24/7 ,beep beep beep, the sound of work at Carl and Cole fixing the tracks for the N Judah that has been shut down for over a week now.Tonight We saw a very fun Norwegian film called Headhunters that I think you would like. Last night the girls went out to a new place in north beach for Vic's birthday that was very delicious.It's been fun having her here.I don't have much more to report except to say I love you very much.

How is London and how is Zoe? Beautiful sunny day here.miss you,the mom

Wednesday night at home

Dear Iz-bug,pumpkin head, Pumpkin head is what my dad use to call me when I was little.Anyway maybe the way you are feeling now and relate to others is a window into your future. When you were in LA and now with you establishing yourself in NY, it has demanded so much energy and 24/7 vigilance from yourself that it is hard to relax and be as open as you feel you can afford to be now. Or maybe the oepness you feel is a teacher for how you can be in your present life.Granted when one is on vacation and traveling and outside one's comfort zone ,one is more abke to be open but you can take some of this magic back home with you,it is part of you now. It is new experiences and environments that simply bring out parts of ourselves that have always lived inside of us. Leo on my lap, butter in a curl near by.I cleaned my crazy woman - studio tonight. Sometimes when I do actually see it somewhat objectively I can see how crazy it appears and think, jeeze Leigh how did you become so eccentric? Other times, most times I just feel like it is a part of me. I love you very much, have a wonderful day in Paris and call anytime but please let me know when you arrive in London. The mom

safe and sound

staying with sasha tonight. Got really drunk off of very sweet wine last night. Threw up twice this morning. Worst hangover of my life. NEVER DRINKING AGAIN. My time in Paris is winding down. Ugh. It's a mix of relief and utter heartbreak. I don't want the magic to leave my life. Had a great night tonight. Went to dinner with a big group. Had great conversations. Being in a strange new country, opens people up to each other in ways we don't need to otherwise. I've related to people more intensely in these past two weeks than I have in years. Why oh why can't it be like this in New York? I guess that's the magic of vacation. Escape from reality.

Sleepy

Tuesday evening, going to bed soon.Have a great day today.I love you.

dearest Iz, you are a wonderful writer. So very expressive. And I love your photos too. I love the first one of you.You are indeed looking wiser,somehow andnof course beautiful too and what a lovely photo of Sasha. It's amazing to see the kids lined along the Seine. And I am so happy you are enjoing the pure joy of being young and connecting with other young people. I think you would really enjoy the Francesca Woodman show when you get home.It's at the Met museum. She was about your age when she took her photos and I think you would relate to many of them. the kitties are here by my feet, fire on, fog outside. I prepare for a Tuesday at work.Vicki is coming into town Friday and we will all, we being Amy and Bernadette and I will take her out for her birthday. The next door neighbors cat is sitting on the very corner edge of the roof. I am turning into one of those people who mostly tells cat stories, mon dieu! I better go.I love you.the mom

Magical Adventuring